‘The Friend Zone’……does it really exist?! Or are we just in denial?

……so what’s up with you and Kevin? ’ Oh nothing really, we are just really good friends. ‘

I was having a conversation with one of my mates the other day when I asked her about a guy she just met and she said they were just friends. But can man and woman really just simply be friends? There is always that undeniable attraction. That ‘what if’....that ‘just once’……that ‘we are really good friends so we will definitely bounce back’, of course this could go in a completely different way and she is not the least bit attracted to him. All this is of course in the female’s mind only, yes, in fact the story is quite the opposite in the male’s mind. He thinks, ‘I just have to get close enough’….’I’ll be right there when she is vulnerable enough to have casual sex’……’I’ll be right here when she lets her emotions overwhelm her after her breakup and tricks her into thinking we could be something more than friends.’

See I once had a lot of faith in the male sex. Yes, I was the first to defend all my male friends and say we are nothing but friends and not all of them are preying on me. Quite naïve I was. Just last night I was having a conversation with one of my male friends and brought up the topic. He was more than happy to let me know that there is no such thing as just friends to a guy lol. This came as no surprise to me of course as another one of my male friends had told me this before, yes, this was more like confirmation. So I asked him what he thinks If I am dating boy x and him and I are just friends. He gladly told me boy x is simply the guy that skipped the line to the cookie jar and everyone is still waiting in line. Lol very odd way to put it I agree.

 I’ve been thinking about this friend zone thing for a while now actually. People seem to be more terrified of it now more than ever. Could it be because women have always been thought of as beings that do not know what they want and now that they can class and drop you in this no return zone everyone is suddenly afraid? I actually don’t believe in this zone or that it exists since even those you think are in it won’t settle for it.

Real Life Fiction.

Wow! Last time I blogged was a month and a half ago. I remember I was just about to start my twitter 'abstinence' program so I can prepare for my finals. Well the good news is it actually paid off Yay! I actually excelled and got a scholarship but that’s far from the point here. Anyway, I had a very, very, to say the least, eventful holiday after that. Traveled, friends came over, family came over, the shopping and the weather, best holiday I’ve had in a while and the reason I didn’t blog this whole time.

Over the summer, I also had the chance to catch up on some of my favorite series and even watch some that I had always wanted to watch. Let’s not forget about my Odeon addiction that had me watching all sorts of movies whenever I had the chance. These movies and series got me thinking though…When we watch these series and movies we can’t help but judge these characters. Imagining what we would do If we were in their shoes, it seems so simple just watching these people make messes of their lives and thinking we would do it different. And yet more often than not we do the same exact things they do. The confused adolescent ‘experimenting’ with her sexual orientation, the emotionally damaged girl that thinks she has the whole friends with benefits thing locked down, the overwhelmed beautiful lady that simply can’t make a choice between these two guys simply because she can’t stand hurting any of them. The sexy 23 year old that cheats on the man she loves and is about to marry with her ex simply because she rushed through this next relationship and had left over feelings, these people are all around us and we sometimes find ourselves in these shoes.

So why can’t we use that same criticism that we apply while we watch these series and movies? Fiction? Yes, but fiction based on reality otherwise we wouldn’t even be watching these things. We simply would not be able to relate and lose interest. So I find myself today in a situation I like to call ‘movie worthy’ situation. I try to live a carefree life with very few complications but they just looove to follow me around. Well I won’t give you all the details but all you have to know is that it’s one of those that you look at in the movie and say, ‘Damn that’s a hard one! But who lets themselves get into that kind of situation?’ followed by the cliché shaking of the head.

Letting go…

I sit here by my night stand writing this post as a final attempt to let you go. Tell it one last time and hope this time is the last. I honestly never believed it, even after I saw it. Still dialed that number, went to that bar, browsed through that page, always waiting for that one hint of activity but it never came. So I made up my own in my sleep as I dreamed hoping I’d never wake but I always did. Shared with the few that knew what you meant to me but they all said the same thing, time will heal, but it never did. Well not entirely. I still related you to so many things, couldn’t keep it together when your mates brought you up and still had the occasional dreams. It’s not till that last dream I had, this one didn’t feel like a figment of my imagination, more like a message you were trying to get through to me. Won’t go over it now but I just needed you to know that I got the message loud and clear. Didn’t get it at first, wrecked my mind all day til I figured it out. I honestly do not know if this is it, I am not even sure if I want this attempt to be the one that works, I guess letting you go is probably the hardest thing I have had to do.

Live in the moment.....easier said than done?....

Spent my weekend making sure all is in order for my parents when they arrive later today. See, they are coming for my sister’s graduation. Difficult guests they are, every single thing as got to be on point! Or you will never hear the end of it and that right there will be the beginning of a miserable week. So we stressed and fussed over every single detail this weekend, my sister and I.  We occasionally had small misunderstandings as the stress gave way to multitudes of strain on us but we somehow managed to overcome all that. On top of all that, I had to work on calculations for a car jack design my group Is developing, endless equations to prove that the bloody model will work. I won’t even lie, I caved in half way through.

Anyway, we had planned to go to Manchester on Saturday so that we could check out the terminal and master the routes since we had never been there. I made this plan Tuesday last week and my mate was more than excited to see me, literally couldn’t wait. Then he received that phone call……  By Thursday my sister and I had decided we are not going to Manchy since we had too much to do and had figured out an alternative way to do all we needed to do there. ‘How am I ever goin’ to break my mates heart and tell him I am not coming’?’,  I wondered in silence. Finally grabbed the guts to do it on Friday (I know, too late right?) but no one picked the line…received a text later saying my girl had cardiac arrest last night, so sorry I can’t make it… I immediately called to offer some form of comfort and support.  It was so sad; she slipped in and out of coma all through the weekend. I was however shocked at the fact that a young lady in her twenties could have cardiac arrest  but before I could form the right words in my mind he said, in the most heart-breaking tone, ‘Her sister died at fifteen because of the same thing, she is lucky to have gotten here’

I sat there, thinking about all the planning I had been so busy doing, forgetting to live and appreciate every minute as it came to me. I also thought about the emotions he felt for his girlfriend, such strong emotions. Had me thinking….. Anyway, I know it’s hard as hell to live in the moment and maybe we all have some level of ungratefulness that lets us easily overlook the small things in our days that bring us happiness but surely we can try our best when ever we can. I took a minute to thank God for all that I had after that phone call and let go of all the stuff I was stressing about. Decided that I would just live in that moment, sure I took care of what had to be done that day but I never stressed about the next day until it came. I don't know how long i can do this but i am sure going to try. Baby steps. ‘May the best of your today, be the worst  of your tomorrow. And we ain’t even thinking that far’ Sean Carter.

Relapse..

It’s been awhile since I posted here. Sorry about that, been swamped with projects and work. Well I still am but I figured I should spare sometime and do this. I actually meant to post earlier, specifically on Saturday.  However, I have somehow found myself with some sort of writer’s block. My thoughts have become too random, they have lost focus. It’s almost like I’ve managed to renumber the roads and redirect the traffic in my head. It’s all amiss.

Last week I was talking to a friend of mine and I asked him why he doesn’t use his twitter profile often. He said, ‘If I tweet I will let go of all my creative ideas. I might fail to write.’. Surely you can control what you tweet, I said to him, but today I sit here and think to myself, what if he is right? I’ve had maximum tweet activity in the past two weeks. Tweeting everything that came to my mind, pushing my processors to limits they don’t usually get to. 

My blog posts usually just pour out of me but today a paragraph burns sores in my mind. I have quite a lot to talk about but I can’t seem to form the content. Almost like I’ve dropped bits and pieces of each topic somewhere and all I am left with is a few sentences. I think maybe these pieces lie on my twitter timeline because as I read through the tweets on my profile I can almost make paragraphs from them about numerous topics.

So am I going to stop tweeting? Nope, not really. This is just a new challenge for me to overcome. I hate giving in to the obvious rules that seem to have a hold on all of us. The easy way out, give up one thing so you can have the other…I refuse to work like that. I must have reached my threshold because today I broke the fuse that activated my fail safe, some sort of system restore. Today I managed to redirect some traffic into the right lanes. I didn’t tweet particular things I felt had the potential to feature in my blog and still managed to hit 100 tweets minimum. Well I agree that putting the barriers in my mind back up and straightening the lanes is not going to be a one day thing but I know I am not going to give up till this new architectural plan is in place.

Boy meets Girl....

Most people quickly discard the typical boy girl movies, failing so miserably to see the pure simple importance attached to them. Boy girl movies are carefully tailored to the day to day experience of any boy and girl, carefully choosing the right sample of subjects from a variety of walks of life and using the most possible outcome as their basis. I on the other hand, know and watch every boy girl movie out there. I’ve watched so many to the point that I can play the movie out til the end before it even gets to the midpoint marker. And I am always right.

So moving on to the point, this girl I know called Izzy recently found herself in a typical boy girl situation and she didn’t even know it. But lucky for her I pointed it out to her while we were having one of our sessions. Let me take you back to the start so you relate and hopefully understand. Izzy and Timothy knew they had a future the day they met each other, both playful, proud and both with Alpha personalities when it came to relationships. They grew a strong friendship over the years as they both played their games waiting to see who would fold and make the move. They played these games so much that they didn’t even realize that they had become their substitution for a real relationship. These games are what held them together, allowing them to express in a somewhat subtle way, emotions they couldn’t express without the bond of a real relationship. But then Izzy met New guy, new guy threw Izzy totally off Timothy’s radar.

At the start her heart easily found Timothy a place for a very special friend. They still fought and played their games but not in that fun and interesting way they did before. These ones were more intense and hurtful. They were now set out to destroy each other. This gave Izzy the push she needed to block him out and pursue this more meaningful relationship with new guy. She grew to love new guy since he had some of those arrogant bad boy characters that she loved so much. Things were more than great, best they ever were until Timothy stepped up. Tried to tell Izzy where she at isn’t where she supposed to be never really putting it plainly that he is who she is supposed to be with. But Izzy knew Timothy too well so she knew exactly what he was saying and evaded all the attempts he made to meet and discuss what was going on. She was lost, didn’t know what she wanted. But then new guy was damaged goods, too much baggage to share not to mention his somewhat psychotic obsessive thing he now had for Izzy. With these new developments on new guy’s front he made it easy for her to distance herself from him. So slowly with a bit of time she managed to find herself and decided she now knew what she wanted.

Today, Izzy finds herself pursuing timothy, the sad part is Timothy was somehow damaged during that new guy phase and had found his joy in other places. Other girls….. He never really cared about them but they were good enough. He didn’t really need the emotional part of it no more. Izzy beats herself up because she let this happen, obsessing over every post tweet and mention Timothy does, hoping he doesn’t actually move on. She finally decides to confront him the way they did when they had their beautiful and unique friendship, forgetting that they were no longer in that beautiful place. This only pushed him further, he felt victimized, why was he on the receiving end of the heat? He was puzzled. After hearing all this in our most recent session I quickly told her that this is a typical boy girl story. 

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl become the best of friends. Girl falls in love with new guy and boy is hurt. So boy tries to get girl back but girl is lost and mistakes her infatuation for new guy to be love. so boy lets go. Girl then realizes she its boy she really likes and leaves new guy. Girl starts to pursue boy but boy is hurt and has his defenses up. So Izzy asks me, ‘how does it end?’ I told her in this typical boy girl story, boy moves on and finds new girl despite girl’s obvious attempts. Karma is a bitch and its got to take its course. Boy moves on just to test girl and see if she is really here to stay or is still playing games. But then boy finds himself deeply attracted to new girl, they date for a while till he starts to compare new girl to girl and she can’t seem to live up to girl’s level. New girl’s flaws start to become more dominant and it eats at their relationship. Boy and girl finally date and laugh at each other for ever being so silly and they are in a more beautiful place than they were. I also told Izzy that like I said in the start this is only but the most possible outcome and there is that 1 out of 10 chances that it plays out differently and it was all up to her to pursue the outcome she desires. Her future with Timothy now depends on her next move…..

Music of my soul.

I never write anything here that speaks directly about me so let me share one small but significant thing about me. Music is a huge part of me. I listen to music when I get up in the morning, in the shower, on my way to class or work, while I do maths, while I do a very demanding task, when I am just chilling and even in bed before I go to sleep. I listen to music literally 80% of my time. Different playlists for different times and to set different moods.

I am a lover of music so if I were to list the genres I love I would probably end up listing all of them. Music is a beautiful art that speaks to my soul, each genre playing its role at different times and in different aspects of my life. However, if I were to list my top genres I would tell you straight up that Hip-hop is number one. Eminem is without a doubt my favourite rap artist, mostly because I can relate to most of his music. Yes, even the tracks where is goin’ off at chicks. I totally get where he comes from with his music even though he is so misunderstood by most. This however doesn’t stop me from listening to other rap artists. I love Nas, Kanye and so many others but I want to talk about artists like Lil Wayne. I know Mcz that won’t hear of him but I honestly appreciate his music. Lil Wayne, Soulja boy etc all those rap artists everyone feels the need to frown upon. I actually enjoy that music. Like I said music is an art, each character playing its important role and presenting its unique skill. Sure, lil wayne may not be the best lyricist in the world but he produces rap some relate to, his chilla playful stupid lyrics are sometimes what people want to listen to. I know so many people that frown on him that have quoted him more than once. Anyway to cut the long story short I think every rap artist bring something different to the table and I appreciate it. Well not all, some are just lost but that’s a whole other story.

So getting back to that list, I have to say rock music comes in second with Reggae following closely at number three. Rock music always helps me think and reflect always painting all sorts of journeys in my mind. Well, there are different types of rock and I must say I appreciate all of them but my alliances lie mostly with the more subtle rock. Blink 182, the Cranberries, Linkin Park, Cyndi Lauper, Aerosmith, Coldplay, The Verve's Bitter sweet symphony and Evanescence, some of the artists whose albums I have on repeat whenever I am having my moments of clarity. With reggae Bob Marley #legend comes first of course but Damian follows closely and distant relatives is a personal favorite. I actually have too many posters of Bob up in my room one would think I am obsessed with his music but its really just relevant at certain times and points in my life.Then the rest follows, classical music  with Symphony no9 by Ludwig van Beethoven, Caribbean blue by Enya and Adiemus by Karl Jenkins toping the charts, Dancehall with Shaggy and Movado whose voices just do things to me, not forgetting Hilsong and Lecrae with gospel, I could go on and  on really. I love music.

Let me just conclude with music from my home. Music back home has come such a long way and I am so proud and happy for everyone that has made that possible. A lot of that music features in the numerous playlists I listed above but I felt it deserves a paragraph of its own. As expected my personal favourites lie mostly in the hiphop genre but let me make a comprehensive list. Strating with the ladies of course Evon Love Effude, Touched me not forgetting that killer hook on Klarity Anthem , Mys Natty crash n burn, Lilian kawa, Keko Alwoo and moving on to the men Navio, Mith, Enygma, PL@y, Lyrikal Proof, Patrobas et al. This list also seems too endless, making me even more proud of the growth in the industry. Not forgetting our Eastafrican family Madtraxx, Nonini and the list goes on and on. I fear i cannot round up all my music in one blog so let me wrap it up like a gift and hit post.

 

RECAP!

I haven’t posted in a while but let me just do a recap so we can catch up. You see I’ve been on holiday and I decided to spend it in Coventry with my family and friends. Crazy tings I tell you! You see I was living with third year students but one would assume they are in first year or something like that. Anyway, first things first, as soon as I get there it’s party time almost as if it were an induction into a sacred sorority and this was phase one ‘meet the jocks’. ’Don’t take off your shoes!’ I am told. ‘Just drop your luggage we're going out’

So we head out to this house party in Priory Place and my cousin Nish does the honors. This is Ghizzy ‘the connect’ - dude gat every dealer on speed dial plus 24 hour deliveries in case you get *munchies. He is also a really dope dancer especially when the herb is in play. That very minute Kaptainalex walks in ‘the stoner’-nigger is always down with the plan and he always has the plan. Where, when what? That is your guy. I turn around and meet Joel B ‘the swella’-blood has never said sorry to nobody! When asked why this is what he said ‘I simply don’t think they deserve it’ (source withheld) I met several more of different ranks on other nights but I will only talk about these ones. Oh, I almost forgot Vicc Saint ‘the hustler’-he has his future in check always on his grind, not forgetting he is killer on the mix when it comes to the party tunes. After this it was time for phase two ‘party hard’ 

There were lots of events but I will only talk about one. It all happened one hard weekend. This guy had his birthday in London on Saturday. V.I.P tables, open bar and every high end thing you could think of. It was the plan for the weekend, even those with papers had sacrificed that day and the next. It was an event not to be missed. So Nish, Ghizzy and I we were having an easy night indoors on Thursday, and just as I was announcing my exit to bed, we heard a knock at the door. Not it! Ghizzy and I called quickly so Nish had to go see who it was. In just a few minutes, the birthday boy and two of his mates walked into the living room with bottles of Jack, Vodka and Martel! happily announcing the party starts tonight (biggest mistake he ever made). In just a few minutes Kaptainalex and Joel B were in the house and in a few more minutes the house was full to its max! Dj on the mix even. The party had really started. 

The next day started with Kaptainalex who had slept on the living room sofa, being woken up for his 2 p.m paper. He didn’t even have his I.D or a calculator when he got there for his ‘ACCOUNTS’ exam. That, my friend, is a story for another day. On day two the party was at Joel Bz house and as usual started with a massive pre drink, then off to the club and finally back to his for the post drink. Unfortunately, I cannot give details of what went on, reasons being foggy memory and viewer discretion. Anyway we go home in the morning ticket bookings in mind and the guys head to London to prepare. I got up at three and decided I was not going. A minute later Nish was off it as well. We called our other mates and they were telling us they have a barbeque and we should head there. Quickly discarding any plans regarding the party they had all promised to attend. That right there is the reason why I said he made a huge mistake. Coventry people are foxes! If you don’t bring a bus and get everyone on it you’re wasting your time inviting them. And the worst bit is they had no incentive as they had just partied for two days straight.

*munchies- when you get hungry after blazing

just my thoughts...

I think I am like the one person amongst my friends that’s got this whole life thing figured out. Or at least that’s what most people think. But truth is, I am actually far from it. A mess of ambitions and goals and dreams and achievements, always trying to make sure I make the most of my life. Always trying to do something new, to redefine the definitions and rewrite history. I’ve got a long list of achievements but they are not enough, no! Not for me. Over achievers they call them, too ambitious. They never gon get nowhere, them bitch ass haters saying. But I beg to differ.

Truth is my thoughts were once along those same lines. A dreamer they called me. I had thoughts, ideas and projects running in and out of my mind all the time. I remember once in a science class I told my lab partners I would live to disprove Bernoulli’s principle. Laughed it off, is what they did. Jokes! Is what they said. And I listened, believed them even, till I set my first dream on track. I never stopped dreaming, it’s almost like a part of me, always looking at the bigger picture, thinking beyond the outside of the box. It’s almost like the depth of the words of an Mc. Even when he is out of the booth you can tell because all his words sound like a well thought out bar. He doesn’t actually sit and think about a poetic way to state his points of view; it’s just become a part of him. Yes, that’s exactly how it is with this thing of mine. 

I see things I could change everywhere I look. Things I could change for the better. Got all these ideas n thoughts rolling in and out of my mind by the minute, pandemonium. So I get a pen n try to put them down but they are gone. Literally get headaches trying to roll these thoughts fresh off the press in my mind. So I take on the mint that actually makes it to the stand. Take them down one at a time, leave no room for defeat, and follow through till the end. Still stacking this tower of cards believing it won’t come down crashing on me. Leaving my future to fate and spinning it in that mill of uncertainty. Well of course I’ve got that fail safe plan, the original template that everyone edits to suit the different wants and ambitions. Always hoping I’ll never have to enter the combination to that fail safe. And there I go again, hoping. All I am is highly optimistic never pessimistic since attitude designs the paths that all our fates take.

Subconscious Mind.........

My subconscious has always been that second opinion I pay attention to, a trusted ally. More often than not I can relate to it and we are on the same track with most of the decisions we make. I am not talking about that little devil and angel that appear when you’re in a dilemma but that voice of reason when you’re doing the wrong thing, when your just about to do something risky  that might hurt you. It’s almost like it’s your own personal security detail and it always tries to reach out to you, to warn you, to protect you. Most of us ignore it but I, on the other hand learnt how to listen to it.

I have never had any considerable queries with this ‘security detail’; it has somehow always set me upon the right path. Well not until yesterday. Now more than ever I am 100% sure about my decisions on a certain matter I am dealing with at the moment. No need for the security detail this time round since I am loaded with my own Kalashnikov. No need for a second opinion as for the first time I am extremely certain that the first is the best. On numerous accounts I have been in this situation and my security detail has so willingly taken a leave of absence. But not this time, no. This time its screaming at me, going through the most desperate ways to reach to me.
 

So tell me what should I do in this event? We haven’t been over the guidelines for this. The rules that govern my mind and set the boundary between my reality and my subconscious do not cover this. The path my security detail has chosen is not one I am unfamiliar with. Quite on the contrary I have been down this path. Well maybe not this exact one but I have also closely watched many go down it only to end up in mazes of horror, trapped by their own subconscious. Could it be that my detail is turning one me? Setting me up for disaster? Or could I somehow walk two different paths. Maybe I could take this path subliminally and lead the one I perceive as right in reality. Hopefully my subconscious will not notice its being played and dare to rip through the fabric of my mind. But then again it must already know. So maybe we could come to some sort of agreement since this forbidden path it has chosen has been one of my heart’s desires. But then again that’s all its ever been, a desire, something you want but shouldn’t have in most cases.

Check mate!

I am the master mind behind your inexplicable deeds, your involuntary emotions, your uncontrollable feelings and your day long fantasies. You are just a pawn on my chess board. I wouldn’t give into my false confidence if I were you. I’ve been queen all my life, I write the rules to this game. Like every game this one is rigged, get it? There is always a loop hole, a back door, an almost definite route to success and I possess this knowledge. Only because I tailored the actual fabric, drew the blue prints. You lost this game the day you chose to play it against me. Should have done your research though because now I’m taking casualties.

I am the extractor. I am the reason you’re answering all the questions you need to be asking me. The reason you’ve become so comfortable. The reason the buttons on your keypad are wearing down. Your lost, don’t know why you started In the first place. Confusion, an emotion I planted into your subconscious with one open statement, a leading phrase, a quote from a similar game. Like I said this is my forte, I know exactly where to lay the traps. And you always fall for the bait.

I could go on with a description of my prowess but I am sure you get the picture. Like a virus this post is infecting your mind. Thoughts are clouding your better judgement. Your being extra careful now, trying to decipher an endless thread of pleasant conversation. Yes, every punctuation mark, every emoticon, every word, every timed entry was all a part of my move. Checkmate!

Side Bitch….side chick….side dish!

The mere contemplation to have the thought of being a side chick disgusts most of us girls. What will people think? How would you feel if you were in the other chick’s shoes? Karma is a bitch, what if my payback comes in bullion trucks? All these questions run through a girl’s mind on that fateful day. She can’t believe it’s happening to her. The preacher herself, thinking about defying her own words.

Out of sight out of mind she thinks, but this only makes it worse because he is all she thinks about. She tries to distract herself with gossip from her girlfriends, the spa and the salon. Treating herself to the best the world can offer in an attempt to achieve great satisfaction that would leave no room for the desire to have this one forbidden person in her life. Sadly it’s all in vain as she finds her friend’s gossip is about a similar matter and the ladies in the spa and salon are going on about the same thing. It’s the talk of the day and she can’t seem to understand why the universe is taunting her.

She finally gives in and heads back home. Starts to wonder why she hadn’t met him before he had that band. She can’t! She won’t! She shouldn’t but the desire is too great. The curiosity is driving her mad. She starts to convince herself it’s the right thing to do. ‘It’s ok, people do it all the time.’, ‘I won’t fall in love I am just having fun.’ The self-induced positivity and false confidence gives her the push she needs. But this guys is so nice, the sweetest she ever met. He is perfect in more ways than one. She loves every single aspect about him. She tries to exit the relationship only to find herself in too deep….

He loves her back! An unbelievable revelation!  Since most men that have ‘side chicks’ would never leave their wives for you. She feels special! So excited till she realises she is about to break up a marriage. Defying even more of her sermons as her ‘games’ turn into a reality. .She decides to end it. The most painful thing she ever had to do. He sees the pain in her eyes and he feels exactly the same way. He understands exactly where she is coming from. They settle for friends and cherish the moments they have alone but are careful not to have too many since they still have strong feelings for each other. She wants to leave her job that keeps her in close proximity with him but its all she has ever wanted to do and simply can’t let go.

The thought of what could have been will forever haunt her thoughts; the thought of what could be haunts her thoughts every day that goes by. A prisoner of her mind……