Letting go…

I sit here by my night stand writing this post as a final attempt to let you go. Tell it one last time and hope this time is the last. I honestly never believed it, even after I saw it. Still dialed that number, went to that bar, browsed through that page, always waiting for that one hint of activity but it never came. So I made up my own in my sleep as I dreamed hoping I’d never wake but I always did. Shared with the few that knew what you meant to me but they all said the same thing, time will heal, but it never did. Well not entirely. I still related you to so many things, couldn’t keep it together when your mates brought you up and still had the occasional dreams. It’s not till that last dream I had, this one didn’t feel like a figment of my imagination, more like a message you were trying to get through to me. Won’t go over it now but I just needed you to know that I got the message loud and clear. Didn’t get it at first, wrecked my mind all day til I figured it out. I honestly do not know if this is it, I am not even sure if I want this attempt to be the one that works, I guess letting you go is probably the hardest thing I have had to do.

Live in the moment.....easier said than done?....

Spent my weekend making sure all is in order for my parents when they arrive later today. See, they are coming for my sister’s graduation. Difficult guests they are, every single thing as got to be on point! Or you will never hear the end of it and that right there will be the beginning of a miserable week. So we stressed and fussed over every single detail this weekend, my sister and I.  We occasionally had small misunderstandings as the stress gave way to multitudes of strain on us but we somehow managed to overcome all that. On top of all that, I had to work on calculations for a car jack design my group Is developing, endless equations to prove that the bloody model will work. I won’t even lie, I caved in half way through.

Anyway, we had planned to go to Manchester on Saturday so that we could check out the terminal and master the routes since we had never been there. I made this plan Tuesday last week and my mate was more than excited to see me, literally couldn’t wait. Then he received that phone call……  By Thursday my sister and I had decided we are not going to Manchy since we had too much to do and had figured out an alternative way to do all we needed to do there. ‘How am I ever goin’ to break my mates heart and tell him I am not coming’?’,  I wondered in silence. Finally grabbed the guts to do it on Friday (I know, too late right?) but no one picked the line…received a text later saying my girl had cardiac arrest last night, so sorry I can’t make it… I immediately called to offer some form of comfort and support.  It was so sad; she slipped in and out of coma all through the weekend. I was however shocked at the fact that a young lady in her twenties could have cardiac arrest  but before I could form the right words in my mind he said, in the most heart-breaking tone, ‘Her sister died at fifteen because of the same thing, she is lucky to have gotten here’

I sat there, thinking about all the planning I had been so busy doing, forgetting to live and appreciate every minute as it came to me. I also thought about the emotions he felt for his girlfriend, such strong emotions. Had me thinking….. Anyway, I know it’s hard as hell to live in the moment and maybe we all have some level of ungratefulness that lets us easily overlook the small things in our days that bring us happiness but surely we can try our best when ever we can. I took a minute to thank God for all that I had after that phone call and let go of all the stuff I was stressing about. Decided that I would just live in that moment, sure I took care of what had to be done that day but I never stressed about the next day until it came. I don't know how long i can do this but i am sure going to try. Baby steps. ‘May the best of your today, be the worst  of your tomorrow. And we ain’t even thinking that far’ Sean Carter.

Relapse..

It’s been awhile since I posted here. Sorry about that, been swamped with projects and work. Well I still am but I figured I should spare sometime and do this. I actually meant to post earlier, specifically on Saturday.  However, I have somehow found myself with some sort of writer’s block. My thoughts have become too random, they have lost focus. It’s almost like I’ve managed to renumber the roads and redirect the traffic in my head. It’s all amiss.

Last week I was talking to a friend of mine and I asked him why he doesn’t use his twitter profile often. He said, ‘If I tweet I will let go of all my creative ideas. I might fail to write.’. Surely you can control what you tweet, I said to him, but today I sit here and think to myself, what if he is right? I’ve had maximum tweet activity in the past two weeks. Tweeting everything that came to my mind, pushing my processors to limits they don’t usually get to. 

My blog posts usually just pour out of me but today a paragraph burns sores in my mind. I have quite a lot to talk about but I can’t seem to form the content. Almost like I’ve dropped bits and pieces of each topic somewhere and all I am left with is a few sentences. I think maybe these pieces lie on my twitter timeline because as I read through the tweets on my profile I can almost make paragraphs from them about numerous topics.

So am I going to stop tweeting? Nope, not really. This is just a new challenge for me to overcome. I hate giving in to the obvious rules that seem to have a hold on all of us. The easy way out, give up one thing so you can have the other…I refuse to work like that. I must have reached my threshold because today I broke the fuse that activated my fail safe, some sort of system restore. Today I managed to redirect some traffic into the right lanes. I didn’t tweet particular things I felt had the potential to feature in my blog and still managed to hit 100 tweets minimum. Well I agree that putting the barriers in my mind back up and straightening the lanes is not going to be a one day thing but I know I am not going to give up till this new architectural plan is in place.